Yes, I Know I Walk Too Fast!

My mother always tried to get me to slow down and "walk like a lady." She was the ultimate lady. Alas, I was the ultimate klutz and, frankly, I didn't have time to walk slowly. That hasn't changed. At work I'll get behind a couple of women (it always seems to be women) who are walking slowly. The other day I thought, "Hey, life is too short. I need to slow down, too, and get there when I get there." So I did. I slowed down and walked the same pace that they were. Ohmigod! I mean I tried, truly I did - at least 30 or 40 seconds. Then I bolted. Made a quarterback sneak around them and headed down the hall.

What I especially like is when there is a group of people walking slow and blocking the whole sidewalk or hallway. No way to go around. I'm thinking it would be impolite to just put my head down and ram my way through the line. So I try to get through on one side or the other, then finally just say excuse me (this usually takes a couple of tries because they're talking) and make my way around. Of course, this is usually the EXACT time that I forget to pick up my feet so my toe hits the ground and I do one of my graceful stumbles. With the whole slow group right behind me. Probably thinking, "Serves her right!"

Then there's the person who is walking alone. But slow. And not in a straight line. I try to go to the left, she heads left. Try to make a break on the right, she swerves right. So we play bob-and-weave, bob-and-weave for a minute or two until the planets are aligned and there is finally a gap on the same side that I'm on.

My walking skills are fairly well known among family and friends. My first husband used to say I was the only person he knew who could trip over air (did I mention he's an EX!). I've also fallen UP the stairs - that was interesting. And one day I was walking down the hall at the hospital, my foot slipped, I stumbled, ran into the wall, and the Pilot pen I was holding lost its cap and I poked myself in the hand with the tip of the pen. Did you know that Pilot pens can draw blood??

Then there was the time I was in the cafeteria. Bought a bottle of orange juice. On the way to the cash register I stumbled, dropped the juice. Like a slow motion horror film, the cap popped off. The bottle lended on its bottom and the juice came out of the bottle, arched into the air, and landed in my right shoe! Yup, right into the shoe. I sloshed my way to the ladies room to wash my shoe and my foot and then make funny little squeeking sounds the rest of the day.

And why is it that the only time I trip crossing the street is when there are people parked there waiting for me to cross. Why is that?!?!?

But my most famous episode was when I was in my early 30's. Heading to work in my cute little size 5 dress (yes, this was a long time ago) and my cute little 3" sling back heels. Walking to my car in front of the house. On the ground was one of those plastic yokes from a six pack of soda. As I walked my right heel went into one of the six holes. No big deal. Could happen to anyone. Then the left heel managed to find another hole in the plastic thingy. Before the first heel came out of it's hole! My whole life flashed before me. What an unglamorous way to die. Damn near broke my neck. Luckily I was very close to my car and just fell into it and not on to the ground. No witnesses. But I made the mistake of telling a few folks about the episode. Guy at work would throw one of those damned things on the floor and say, "Oh, Sandi...." A few years back, my son wanted something and held up one of those yokes. Threatened to put it on the ground in front of me if I didn't give him what he wanted. Cute kid.

Oh, well, I guess it's always something.